6. Everyone Dies Twice
Podcast Transcript:
“In my mind I wandered to the desk beneath the dining room window, the one that looked over the back yard with the big tree that begged for a swing. I saw myself open the drawer and pull out one of my hand-painted cards. I watched my fingers close around a pen and the message spill out beneath its nub, terse and honest: I’ve been taken. You’ll probably never see me again. Sorry about the carpet. I know how much you loved it. Aiya. No ‘Yours Truly’ or ‘Eternally Yours’ or even the divine gesture of ‘Love.’ Just Aiya.”
I am Alanna and this is Racing Home, the podcast where I unpack the journey of writing the first book in a series about the end of the world. Welcome.
for every day we are alive our chance of
death increases I know you know this the
longer we live the closer to death we
become it is why as children Christmas
seems so far away and as adults we say
haven't we just done this as sand moves
through our hourglasses we get heavy
with mortality days are shorter sleep
feels wasted and when we have the choice
between laughter and hustle we choose
hustle because we think Legacy means
leaving concrete behind it doesn't I am
Alena and this is racing home the
podcast where I unpack the Journey of
writing the first book in a series about
the end of the world welcome today we're
going to talk about death and
Legacy so because I'm writing a book
about the end of the world obviously I'm
dealing with mass
death basically the population of
humanity is disappearing so as the
creator of this imaginary
event I am essentially responsible for
the death of
99.9% of the world's population so
that's fun
that's that's a weird burden as I sat
down this morning to do my morning
writing I was writing from the
perspective of one of the main
characters reiv mongin NOA who I
introduced you
to a couple weeks ago I believe I was
basically writing in his voice an essay
on death and
Legacy so I was like I was I was past my
word count I was on a roll so I was
going going going I had just written
this little tiny paragraph I'm going to
read it to you everyone dies twice once
when we rejoin the Sun and then again
after the last time anyone thinks of us
know this I will think of you always I
will carry you with me as long as I'm
able so I had just finished writing that
that's the end of this long essay or at
least the end of the portion I was
writing this morning and my phone rang
and it was my father to let me know that
my grandfather had passed away around
midnight last night so today is November
22nd now we knew this was coming um he
was ready my my grandpa had a beautiful
life he a beautiful
man U and I just think it's kind of
special that that I just written this
this bit about Legacy about death about
how um how we can we really keep people
alive just through our memories of them
and then that's the moment that the
Universe decided to let me know that um
my grandpa had passed on so I just
wanted to share that I know that's kind
of heavy and
[Music]
um
yeah we're going to miss him but we're
going to keep thinking about him and
telling stories and um it'll be nice to
get together with the family and hear
some hear hear a lot of those stories
and and just remember him in a really
warm warm good way
so
oh yeah that's that's that's where
that's where I'm coming at you
today so writing this book um there is a
lot of heaviness
because even though the story is focused
on the
survivors there's still this burden of
um of honoring all the people that
aren't going to survive and it's fiction
I know that that seems maybe silly but
it is something that I feel and I found
myself writing little little moments of
inconsequential characters so I mean
characters that have nothing to do with
the story but I just want to capture the
brevity of Life
the just the fact that every person is
out there living a
full life sometimes I think about that
and I get overwhelmed and
confused and nothing nothing makes sense
I don't even know I'm trying to say but
there are billions of
lives in the world
and we're affected by so few of them but
also so affected by all of them and I
think that's a hard thing to dwell on
because it's so so big and our minds are
so small death is never it's never easy
even if you have full confidence around
the fact that that that person was ready
and that they're at peace we we all want
to be immortal don't we in some way and
that that's what Legacy is about Legacy
is about um is about living
forever so this character reiv he will
live forever in the things that he is
doing to ensure the future
of
humanity I don't know if I'm making any
sense I think
my my feelings are mixed up in this
right now if we allow raw feelings to
come out in our writing I think that
could be a really powerful thing so I'm
not going to fight it and um and I I
will carry on and I think it is it's
special now to me to know that in many
ways there is a letter to my
grandfather inside this
book that's that what
special oh
boy um I don't know about the last
time you read something that moved you
so I think one of the greatest powers of
a writer is to spark emotions so whether
whether it's sadness whether it's Joy
whether it's anger I think the mark of a
good writer is sparking emotion and I
Shar I shared on Instagram not too long
ago a little
real it was I'd filmed it in January
when I was reading a manuscript by one
of my authors and she killed off a
character and it had surprised me and so
I I filmed myself reacting to it crying
on camera this was on the heels of my
daughter being upset ET over a book she
was reading I believe it's something in
the Percy Jackson universe and a
character had died and she was so upset
and why do authors do this and I think
in many ways it's because authors are
unpacking their own feelings around
mortality around death around around
Legacy and I think it's really special
that we get to share share in that with
the author I'm just going to play the
audio from that reel so you can kind of
catch the emotions this book stirred up
in me last night before bed my
daughter asked me why do books let
characters die and she was all upset
about this book she was
reading I'm reading a manuscript from
one of my authors right now and a
character just
died and I don't know why I'm laughing
it was devastating so so upset so
I'm come
on
there is nothing more powerful than a
book that stir emotions and um I love
that my daughter is reading those kind
of books and I love that I get to work
on those kind of books even though I
hate it so so
much characters have to die books have
to feel
real it's the worst
yeah so
that's that's really all all I have to
share right now as far as updates I've
made really great progress I am very
pleased with where I'm at as I said
today is Wednesday November 22nd when I
am recording this I am sitting at 64,0
73 words so I closing in on that 70,000
word goal that I've set for myself so
much of that new word count happened at
the 12-hour intensive that I hosted
earlier in November and I don't think
that I've recorded since then so to give
you a little update of what that was
like this is a little room Ambiance
recording that I did during that event
now most of what you're hearing is my
own keyboard because obviously my phone
was right beside me when I was recording
this but if you listen you can hear
keyboards in the background and that's
one of the beautiful things this is the
soundtrack of a 12-hour intensive so
there were 11 of us sharing space in an
art gallery for 12 hours of writing and
there were thousands upon thousands upon
thousands of words that were created in
that space and it is oh by far my most
favorite writing event that I get to
host and also the best thing to
participate in it's it's really
incredible how fast the time goes and
then again how motivating it is to be in
a space with others who are
focused it's a perfect introverts way to
find community and progress so I highly
recommend it I will be doing another one
in May 20124 so pay attention for that
um there's even potential of adding a
few more during the year just because
um there seems to be interest in it and
the gallery is open to potentially
hosting more so stay tuned for that so
all in all I'm I'm very pleased with my
progress I am
finding the topics often heavy but it's
good it's very therapeutic to work
through some of that heaviness and I've
I've shared before how writing is so
much like it's so much of a cathartic
exercise and there's a lot of
self-discovery that goes was on and
hopefully that's not obvious when you
read it
but that it also pushes you to think
through some big
things that that would make me really
happy if that's what happened so I'll
close off with just reading that what I
wrote today just because it's where it's
it's where I was at it's it's where my
feelings are right now and it will also
give you a little more insight into this
interesting character so I'll pick up
where I left off from the opening
excerpt Legacy is a spark you've left in
someone's eye I understand that now and
just as they say you can't teach an old
dog new tricks I think maybe I'm beyond
the Legacy that matters no instead I
will leave a kingdom in my wake a
kingdom womb for the new generation you
won't laugh at this it isn't funny it is
in many ways the most tragic thing of
all when I was I was 8 years old I went
with my mother to see the holy Guru at
the sanctuary as we sat lotus in the
inner sanctum he stood over her his hand
on her head and said you are a single
drop in the ocean time is meaningless it
does not exist you are guaranteed
nothing but right now if you dive deep
you will be sustained if you remain on
the surface the sun will resorb you we
are all of the sun and the sun desires
her children be a drop that feeds the
Earth and you will have found a purpose
my dad was with us he couldn't sit Lotus
but that didn't matter he didn't believe
I knew because he chewed gum while the
guru spoke and his feet stunk that was
the biggest horror of all popping gum in
the smell like rotten pear that even the
most Divine incense would not cover I
knew my mother thought it disgraceful
but she never said a word she was Grace
incarnate I am a single drop in the
ocean she breathed into the enlightened
space my father believed in two things
baseball and Jesus in that order though
he wouldn't want you to think think it
he laughed when we left the temple and I
saw the gur's Legacy in his eyes for my
mother's birthday only a week later he
presented her with a tiny corked bottle
on a chain in it a single drop of water
as he put it around her neck he said you
are more than this you are the whole
ocean waves gathered in her eyes and I
saw my father's Legacy there years later
when he Lay Dying the chemical burned so
deep all his handsomeness stolen my
mother had taken that vile from around
her neck and put it in his hands and
said if I were the whole ocean I would
wash away your pain not even thinking
about her own pain that was boiling her
from the inside out he hadn't been able
to speak by then and with tear duct
sealed Shut by the burns he couldn't
even open his eyes because of the pain
when they took his body away I left a
yellow pink stain on the sheets and I
thought this is his new Legacy and I
wondered if Jesus would meet him or bade
Bruth at the final home run of his final
season child of Earth I write this from
the foundation of the guru the
foundation you planted in my heart on
the day he anointed me with words to my
mother I have dived deep I will sustain
my own single drop for as long as the
Earth will have me I pray you do the
same and if you cannot I pray the son is
kind and that your rejoining her will be
a Divine moment of homecoming that it
will be quick that it will be like a
prayer that somehow a legacy will
remain everyone dies twice once when we
rejoin the Sun and then again after the
last time anyone thinks of us no know
this I will think of you always I will
carry you with me as long as I'm
able
“I’d been Just Aiya for a long time now. I had thought the pregnancy might spark a bit of what we once had at the very beginning. It didn’t. It only served to pull us farther apart. I was North and he was South. The equator was a pipe dream set in a secret place with damp sweet air; a womb without room for regret. We would never regain entry. Better to be Just Aiya than turned away at the door of my hopes.
My ankle slammed against the frame as they hoisted me through the door and I cried out. I wanted my shoes. The white ones with the hemp laces. I felt foolish being outdoors in slippers. Their boots crunched on broken glass, grinding it into the welcome mat. I imagined Ryan coming home, stepping on the glass, swearing, calling my name. I imagined how his voice would echo through the empty house and how he’d pick shards of glass from the sole of his foot and toss them in the ficus plant. Aiya isn’t here, asshole. The lions ate her!
They carried me down the front steps. I could smell the begonias my mother had planted in the front garden a week earlier, their sweet scent wafted over my kidnapping in a nodding gesture of farewell.
My mother’s voice reached me through the wind. This is the last good thing you’ll know, love. Don’t let it go. It might save you.
I tried to struggle. Of course I did, but I was so confused and dumb with shock I didn’t find the fight that should have exploded out of me. I thrashed about in their arms, weak, like a fish on a hook already conceded to its fate. I arched my back and reached out to grab one of the blossoms, crushing it in my fist and holding onto it like gold. There, there, child, calm yourself…What would the neighbours think?
The sky was so blue, rich and azure, like the eyes of the boy I’d loved as a child. Everything slowed and I twisted my head to let it all soak into my memory, a jumble of confusing images lacking any shred of empathy towards me—though, in all fairness, I hadn’t even thought to scream in my panic.”
Chin up, Bright Eyes. We'll chat again next week.
Racing Home is a Chicken House Press production; theme music by Alex Grohl and Alanna Rusnak
If you would like to support my writing journey with a small financial donation you may do so by visiting bio.site/alannarusnak That link is available in the show notes. You can make a donation of any size of your choosing and it will go towards funding the production of this book. Writing takes a lot of time, a lot of energy, it requires a lot of coffee and chocolate. So if you want to help out that's one way you can do it. Donations over $50 will be automatically signed up to receive a signed copy of When the Trees All Burned at least one week before official launch.
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